Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
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If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
the three branches of government
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please