Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
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It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
🤣🤣💀
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.