“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
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[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Just parrot things
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
*seductively eats two tums*
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
next question.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.