@Reverend_Scott: Don't bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
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@CrackYouWhip: I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
@JimHeskett: My buddy used to say "why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I'm the cleanest thing in the room." He's still single.
@painted_eel: *whispers to old lady at Starbucks* one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby