Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
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me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I can’t stop laughing at this
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.