@Reverend_Scott: Don't bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
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@BlindChow: [last supper] Judas: Here, I brought this Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand Judas: *winks at camera*
@mikefossey: BuzzFeed writer (innocently): hey friends. as a friendly activity, tell me your funny anecdotes. coincidentally I have an article due soon
@adamlucidi: Christmas is becoming like that creepy friend that shows up to the party too early. The party starts at 7:00, why are you here at 4:30!?!!
@SamuelHLowe: - 911, what's your emergency? - My nephew just swallowed a lighter! - What's your address? - Never mind, I found some matches.