Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
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14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Shortcut
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Damn what did I do next
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
✌️
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.