Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
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The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Dune (2021)
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.