Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
You Might Also Like
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
All food is good if you spell it wrong
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
back to work
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.