My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
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Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.