No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
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Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.