Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
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“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.