@DrizzyTheType: Don't Drake and drive or you'll end up at your ex's house.
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@kbizzo30: Took the only water bottle from my car that wasn’t frozen to class.... long story short which one of my friends left a water bottle full of Malibu in my car
@Eightinchgoat: I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don't. So, from now on I'm only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.
@notacroc: INTERVIEWER: what makes you different? ME: *begins levitating* INTERVIEWER: holy shit ME: *whispering to my pet chameleons* nice work guys
@Ristolable: Every time you get a haircut, you're essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing