Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
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[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Challenge accepted.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
we’re dead?
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Who called it baking and not making love
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
do what now??
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.