ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
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Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them