Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
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“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
this has done me in for some reason
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
I’m not proud
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
I feel attacked.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da