Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
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The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
adding to the discourse
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Autocarrot sucks!
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying