Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
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Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Respect
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.