@Cunda22: Don't ever mistake me for someone who hasn't flirted with danger. I've got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
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@birbigs: "You're joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?" -Jesus #GoodFriday
@ShotOfBull: I found a message in a bottle. It said: "The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago."
@iwearaonesie: Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can't shut the pantry door because I'm standing here trying to put the fucking groceries away
@Amburglar_: Ugh don't you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd