[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
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I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.