It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
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ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
yes, those are my real potatoes.