@attheUC: Relationship status: -Applies sunscreen to wall. -Rubs back on wall.

@AngelaEhh: My dentist said I have a very wet mouth. *Updates dating profile.

@envydatropic: I've been on my best behavior ever since the words "you can be charged as an adult" applied to me

@mjkspeaks: Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

@cynicanoldicus: On the off chance I'm captured by cannibals, I've got a 'Best if eaten by 1975' tattoo on my neck.