Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
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Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap: