Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
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The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁