Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
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him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
cause of death:
autopsy.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it