If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
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who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
My boss called in sick of me
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.