@Reverend_Scott: Don't forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else's expectations today!
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@KeetPotato: [1st day as bank robber] leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
@shadesof666: *gets hit by a car* Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?" Me: "Please... I need my... phone" *opens Twitter* Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"