Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
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Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
My dream job is getting paid to dream
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
More like Kate Missington.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end