Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
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GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
God has left this place
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?