Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
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Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.