My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
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Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.