Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
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Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.