“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
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Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Me trying to reach for my goals
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
inventing words: clothing