Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
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*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Just me and my debit card against the world
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.