Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
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Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
“you recording!?”
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts