Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
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My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
こいつ天才
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder