Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
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I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!