@werehedgehog: Don't go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
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@stephenjmolloy: Me: "I'd like to pay by card." Waiter: "Contactless?" Me: "No, you can cuddle me."
@the_rock_chic: Just walking down the "Gluten Free" aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone's carts.
@realHamOnWry: [Deathbed Confession] I wish I’d listened to my girlfriend more often. Especially as I crossed the road after she yelled BUS.