Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
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Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Merica.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding