Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
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Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
The dark side of Canada
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*