Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
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life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.