Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
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I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?