Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
You Might Also Like
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Going to church you guys need anything
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.