They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
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My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.