“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
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Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
🤣
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE