Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
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Ooh I do like a good funnel
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires