wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
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If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?