Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
You Might Also Like
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time