It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
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AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Dammit Chief not again
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-