“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
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God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
<- sleeps well with others
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
*puts cutlery down*
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]