[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
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Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
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At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
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Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
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if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
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*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
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BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka