(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
You Might Also Like
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
True statement👍😏😁
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.