(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
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Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
😅😅😅
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Lmaoo 😂
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
selfie game
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.