Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
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My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
need a new bf mines broken 😐
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”