Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
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“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.